It’s been seven months and change since we traded our dollars for Euros and our nice one-bedroom apartment for... well, something different anyway. I feel I’m settling in. I’ve been asked directions three times in the last week and I not only knew where they were talking about but how to get there as well. I am well-versed enough in Spanish to order food and pay without problems. But despite all my improvements, there are still times I look like I don’t quite belong. However, for the most part, I’ve moved past the tourist-phase and can easily tell when someone else is fresh off the boat/plane. The following are signs you ain’t from around these here parts.
Flip-flops: Flip-flops are for beach attire, lounging around the house, or doing heavy and unpleasant cleaning at home. But they sure don’t belong on your feet when you’re out and about. Sandals are a must. Flip flops are a tell.
Shorts out of season: Even though the Canaries are very warm compared to the rest of Europe, the locals here get cold during the brief winter season. The few people that wear shorts year round are teenage girls who get extra mileage out of their Daisy Dukes by pairing them with thick woolen hose, making them look a little like Hooters waitresses on Belgian Waffle Day. They, however, can wear their getup and keep some sort of credibility. German men with wormy white legs punctuated by black socks and sandals (such a cliche, but totally true) simply look ridiculous.
Multi-pocketed Utility Vests: I don’t mean to keep picking on the Germans, but this is another faux pas that is solidly on their shoulders. A utility vest is one with more pockets than a normal person could conceivably need, including a strap in the back for an umbrella, three interior pockets for money and passport, and a pouch in the shoulder where you can comfortably stow an entire set of lawn furniture. In Spain, clothes are first about looks and second about function (just ask the women limping around over cobblestones in stilettos). Something this ugly definitely gets you noticed as an outsider.
Excess Nudity: Don’t get me wrong. Spaniards aren’t shy about showing some skin. But they do have a certain sense of appropriateness. It’s not appropriate to go out clad in only a swimsuit once you step foot off the beach. Wear a cover-up, or better yet, put on some clothes.
Trekking Poles on City Streets: Yet another German gaff. For those of you who don’t know, trekking poles are ski poles without the skis. They’re meant for extreme backcountry hiking, particularly up mountains, and give loaded backpackers added balance. For some reason, it’s become all the rage among German tourists to use trekking poles EVERYWHERE, most particularly on main city streets. Not only are they bulky and unnecessary, but they make the user look like some Himalayan sherpa mysteriously transported to warmer climes. Unless you’re really doing some intense hiking, (and there are a lot of beautiful places to do that here), leave the trekking poles at home.
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