Happy Birthday Princess Bride! (P.S. Buttercup & Wesley Broke Up)

I wrote this little piece of satire and can't seem to find a home for it, so I'll put it here to share with you lovelies. Enjoy!

Thirty years ago this fall, the cult classic The Princess Bride hit theaters. Given the anniversary, the evergreen popularity of the film, and the success of Cary Elwes’s memoir As You Wish, Hollywood execs briefly floated the idea of filming a sequel. While the movie died a terrible death in pre-production, the following scene gives an indication of where filmmakers wanted to take the story.

INT. TAVERN -AFTERNOOON

Buttercup sits alone at a rustic tavern, a metal tankard in front of her. Wesley enters. Buttercup notices he’s still wearing his mask and rolls her eyes.

WESLEY

Hullo darling!

Kisses her cheek.

BUTTERCUP

Hey, Wes.

He shoots her a look.

BUTTERCUP

I mean Dread Pirate Roberts.

She makes air quotes.

BUTTERCUP

We need to talk.

WESLEY

Anything for you.

BUTTERCUP

I’ve been thinking and I think we should see other people.

WESLEY

As you wi—Wait, are you breaking up with me?

BUTTERCUP

You know the counselor I’m seeing for my PTSD? She’s helped me realize this relationship isn’t right for me.

WESLEY

But I died for you! Does that mean nothing?

BUTTERCUP

You didn’t die for me. You ghosted me. You faked your death, changed your name, and disappeared. For years. And when you finally came back, you turned it into some sick relationship test. I mean, who does that?

WESLEY

But I left for you – for our future!

BUTTERCUP

Bullshit. You did it for you. You didn’t like being a farm boy and when you saw a chance to become someone else, you took it. The way you hold onto that sword all the time feels like you’re still compensating for something. And that mask? Don’t get me started.

WESLEY

But I rescued you – twice!

BUTTERCUP

Yeah, well thanks for saving me from the crap marriage. But what about the first time? What about the timing there? You could’ve showed up whenever you wanted but you waited until I was engaged. Did you come for me because you love me or because you didn’t want anyone else to?

WESLEY

This is unbelievable! What happened to the girl who told me ‘You’re alive! If you want I can fly!’

BUTTERCUP

Come on. I’d been kidnapped, concussed, almost eaten by an eel, concussed again, and then I fell down a ravine. No verbal contract would hold up under those conditions.

WESLEY

Verbal contract?

Scoffs.

WESLEY

So you’re a lawyer now?

BUTTERCUP

While you were out swashbuckling, I took night classes. You’d know if you’d ask about something besides my breasts. Your assumption that I’d sit around staring at the pig sty and moping is frankly insulting.

A rustic-looking man approaches Buttercup.

MAN

Are you ready to go, Buttercup?

WESLEY

Who’s this guy?

BUTTERCUP

His name is Freddy. We met at university. He’s an ag student.

She starts to walk away and turns.

BUTTERCUP

Poor Wesley. If you’d paid attention, you’d know I really do prefer farm boys.

She exits.

Scene.