My Cup Runneth O're

How to take a pregnancy test in the United States:

1. Go to the drugstore and select one of several “do-it-yourself” no-fail pregnancy test kits.
2. Take it to the counter. You can throw other things in your cart if you’re embarrassed, but let’s face it, everyone knows what you’ve been up to. If you’re in the state of Utah, the cashier will inevitably try to drum up conversation with you regarding a) how they tried the same test last year and, while accurate, it wasn’t as easy to paste into a first-year scrapbook as the alternative brand; or b) how much you look like the cashier’s childless daughter who, contrary to God’s will and conventional wisdom, has decided to reach the ripe old age of 25 before reproducing. 
3. Grunt replies as necessary, pay in cash, and get the heck out of there.
4. Open the package as soon as you get home. Reread the instructions several times.
5. Drink water.
6. Go to toilet. Pee, inserting stick mid-stream as per instructions.
7. Wipe, flush, and stare at pregnancy test until line(s) appear.
8. Dispose of pregnancy test. (Or scrapbook it if you’re into that sort of thing.)

How to take a pregnancy test in Spain:

1. Go to the drugstore.
2. Stand in a long line of people who know you and watch you from their windows when you leave the house.
3. Shout to the pharmacy tech that you need a pregnancy test. 
4. Take the proffered cup. (Sterilized with cap, Dixie, left-over wine glass from New Years Eve Party - they all do the same thing, right?)
5. Go the bathroom behind a curtain in the back of the pharmacy.
6. Fill the cup and clean up the mess. (See previous blog about public toilets and lack of aim here.)
7. Hand the cup back to the pharmacy tech, grimacing in a way that communicates “Sorry-you’re-about-to-touch-my-pee-but-hey-it’s-your-job-wait-shouldn’t-you-be-wearing-gloves-eww-uh-how-about-that-local-sports-team?”
8. Sit on the bench of shame for twenty minutes, awaiting results. Cringe as the pharmacy tech bellows from the back, “Just how late did you say your period is?!”
9. Cringe further as the tech marches from the counter to the bench, loudly detailing lab results and recommending you come in for a repeat performance the next day.
10. Buy another cup for a euro.
11. Take it home.
12. Drink water.
13. Go to bed.
14. Get up when your bladder is near bursting, trip on the covers, crash into and slide down the wall, fall on top of the dog, wake the husband, find the cup, find the shoes, find the door, trip on the dog again. Try not to pee yourself. Exit.
15. Enter the bathroom.
16. Fill the cup and clean up the mess.

Repeat steps 1-3 and 7-16. 

The Score:

Positive Results: 1

Negative Results: 1

And the Winner Is... The Pharmacy, at a profit of 17 euros. 

(And no, I still don’t know for sure.)