No Granny, I Don’t Want Your Panties

Grandmothers are notorious for asking awkward questions. My own grandma has been responsible for such queries as “Jess, are you pregnant?” (I was 13), “Are you having regular periods these days?” (I was 9), and the ever popular “Why aren’t you married yet?” (I was 19). But despite her best efforts, my grandmother doesn’t hold a candle to Ruyman’s abuela. The first time we met, Abuela asked me why my boobs were so small and how did I expect to keep her grandson happy with such flat tits? Today, though, she set a new record on the awkwardness scale. She tried to give me her panties.

It all started because the water bill didn’t get paid at our house. I realized today that the breathy gasp made by an empty faucet is one of the most depressing sounds in the world. Since the taps were all bone dry this morning, Ruyman decided to take his clothes to Abuela’s house and shower there. He hadn’t showered since Monday and was smelling like an overripe cheese, so I figured it was a pretty good idea. For me, on the other hand, it’s been a banner week in personal hygiene. I’d taken a shower two days in a row for the first time in I don’t even want to think about how long. As it takes me about three days to build up a good eu de fromage, I didn’t plan on showering today and didn’t bring any extra clothes. 

After Ruyman finished washing up, Abuela asked me if I wanted a turn, too. In a moment of unparalleled benefaction, she even offered to provide me with clean undies for the trip home. “They’re mine,” she said. “I haven’t even worn them yet.” She then proceeded to show me a pair of white briefs with a label that read “XXL.” 

Abuela is, of course, deaf as a brick. You have to shout in order to be heard and even then, if you have any kind of accent, she still can’t understand you. Ruyman was laughing his head off as I tried to communicate that I didn’t want to shower. Abuela misinterpreted and thought that I just didn’t like the proffered under drawers. “Would you like some smaller ones? I have some thongs with the strings that go up your butt that you could try.” More laughter from Ruyman. This time his two teenaged cousins joined in.

“No!” I said as forcefully as I could. “Estoy bien!” Abuela turned to Ruyman. “Well, she can go commando on the way home if the underwear thing really bothers her that much,” she said. Ruyman was having a hard time breathing at this point. “NO QUIERO DUCHARME!”  I bellowed at last. Abuela looked at Ruy. “What did she say? That she’d rather wear your underwear?”

At that point, I knew there was only one thing to do. It was rude and selfish, but it was my only choice. I stopped paying attention and tuned out. I’m not even sure how the conversation ended, but I was much happier not being part of it. I walked out of the apartment 20 minutes later unbathed and in possession of nobody’s underwear but my own.